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Search Results 0 to 36 of about 37 (some duplicates have been removed)
Comedy Central
Nov 6, 2012 11:00pm PST
states, holographic george washington. >> i trust all of yyu are enjoying your day off from your dailyybread. >> jon: mr. president we don't get the day off for election day. >> how do you have time for reflection on it. >> jon: well things have been going on for quite a while now and both parties have had -- >> have you a two paaty system. jefferson -- the people are politicking at best in national discooed is worse. as i saii in my farrwell address. charles can we role back. >> the nomination of one faction over another, shopping by revenge is itself is, now gaze upon this masterful drive. mr. mulligan, another ball. >> jon: you did that on a golf course. how did you get that on video. >> please jon let's not get upset over trivial details. you should have heeded myings. tell me more about this contest squire. as you do, so i will sip this -pgraglass of president. >> jon: our first black president ran for re-election against our first mormon. >> a slave president running against what did you just call him, a merman.% he can't breathe under water let alone lead a nation. >>
Comedy Central
Oct 31, 2012 7:30pm PDT
concern. >> even if washington could be good at picking winners and losers, which they're not, they shouldn't be in the business of picking winners and losers. that's not the role of government. >> it's not the role of government-- this is the issue. it's a philosophical one about the role of government. the pithy essence of the center of the core of the life like doll. so where should we be putting government money? >> this is where we should be devoting our federal dollars, putting money into technology and science and research. >> and make sure we keep our pell grant program growing. >> i believe we do have to invest in our basic infrastructure. >> having good roads and bridges and rail lines and so forth and air traffic lines are essential for a strong economy. >> jon: that's picking winners and losers! investing in roads, rail and aircraft and saying yes, to cars, trains and planes but [bleep] buy cycles. it might be a good decision but it's still picking winners and losers and government has always done that want to build a highway? which winner construction company shou
Comedy Central
Nov 6, 2012 1:00pm PST
that bureaucrats in washington should tell someone whether they can use contraceptives or not. >> yeah, you should tell that to your disembodied voice that supported the blunt mental which does limit choice. >> of course i support the blunt amendment. some state law. i talked about contraceptives. i misunderstood the question. >> for those of you in your dorm rooms carving an apple whose ears may have perked up at the mention of a blunt amendment, it has nothing to do with that. laugh laughter and romney had some odd moment, like when describing his efforts as governor to recruit more women for cabinet positions. >> i went to a number of women's groups and said, can you help us find groups. they brought us binders full of women. [laughter and applause] >> jon: a couple things. [laughter] one, the women's group was called mascap, an they approached governor romney, not other way around, and, two, my guess is they did not refer to what they presented as "whole binders full of women." [laughter] but perhaps referred to it as a well-organized collection of qualified resumes. but hey, binder of women,
Comedy Central
Nov 7, 2012 7:30pm PST
marijuana for medicinal uses. we're talking about actually legalizing marijuana in colorado, washington and oregon. and that will be for anybody over the age of 21. >> stephen: what is this country coming to? 21 year olds allowed to smoke marijuana? it makes me want to drink myself into a blind rage and do something i'll regret. ( laughter ) by the way, last time i checked, the pro-marijuana votes were up 57 over 42 against. so jimmy, lock the door before my audience moves to denver. ( laughter ) we'll be right back. (รก6cdr$erfa  ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: well, folks, that's it for tonight's live report. i just want to say before we go, whether you voted for barack obama or mitt romney, tomorrow some of you will be elated and some of you will be crushed. for some, it will be like christmas morning; for others the fifth night of hanukkah. ( laughter ) or so my writers tell me. so what now? ( laughter ) where from here? the game is over and the whistle's blown. but we all line up and shake hands and if so, did debra's mom remember the orange slices. with the election over,
Comedy Central
Nov 7, 2012 11:00pm PST
spoke, legalizing gay marriage in maine and maryland. legalizing marijuana in washington state, and colorado-- ( cheers and applause ) gay marriage... nothing. ( laughter ). marijuana... bat ( bleep ) crazy. they also legal ides dancing in that town in "footloose." i probably should have looked that up. wisconsin elected tammy baldwin the first openly lesbian senator. sorry, lindsay graham. yeah. you missed the lindsay graham joke. it was a pretty good one. ( laughter ). perhaps the best news was in florida. after months of republican governor rick scott attempting to suppress democratic voter turnout, and attempting to decrease voter discomfort and my favorite introducing a 10-page novelette state ballot to people who couldn't handle a ( bleep ) one-page ballot. florida remains too close to call. what is the good news, you say? the election was decide without them. ( applause ) ( cheers ) for once, florida's cluster ( bleep ) is irrelevant. it's like hearing good news, america. the tumor on your dong is benign. ( laughter ). it's a joke about... come on. we're tired! for the m
Comedy Central
Nov 8, 2012 11:00pm PST
, yeah, here we go. roll the clip. >> voters in washington state and colorado approved ballot initiatives legalizing marijuana for recreational use. (cheers and applause) >> i know my audience. (laughter) that's sad, the most excited i've seen them all day. two states voted to decriminalize marijuana use for recreation. no more prescriptions for acute sporadic social anxiety disorder. the news, brought mixed reaction starting in the consumer/enthusiast community. >> it means i'm going to smoke a lot of weed tonight. whooo! (laughter) >> jon: yes, and by the way, what would it mean if you had lost the referendum. >> it means i'm going to smoke a lot of weed tonight. whooo! (applause) >> jon: and what would it mean if the broncos beat the panthers on sunday. >> it means i'm going to smoke a lot of weed tonight. whooo! (laughter) >> jon: what would it mean if-- gravity was still an effect on earth. >> it means i'm going to smoke a lot of weed tonight. whooo! >> jon: he's consistent. within the media it was a tale of two an kers. i'm going to play you both anchors discussing the story. see if
Comedy Central
Nov 15, 2012 11:00pm PST
to jonathan miller of the reform group no labels. >> the biggest problem in washington is gridlock. we have democrats and republicans each behind their own bunkers and we don't get the work done that the constitution requires. >> what would do you to break gridlock? >> no labels has a 12-point plan called make congress work. >> you're going to make me listen to all 12 steps, right? >> i would like for to you listen to all 12. >> okay. >> step one, if congress doesn't pass a budget, then they don't get paid. second, be willing to compromise with the other side. step three, we want to fix the filibuster, step four-- >> is $119 a month too much for a gym membership. >> we want members t members to come to work five days a week. step six, question time-- >> i'm sorry. what step were you on? >> step 6. we would like to see the president come down to the welof congress-- >> what if i were to tell but the magical land of no gridlock. >> the land of no gridlock? >> yeah. >> i would love to see that here in the united states. >> well, it is here in the united states. time for a closer look. arizona.
Comedy Central
Nov 26, 2012 11:00pm PST
him to justice. because his powerful friends in washington pardoned him doesn't mean he won't be held accountable for those crimes, turkey! here we are back at the office. all feeling pretty relacked. you know, nothing is really more relaxing than eating a long and drawn out meal with your extended family. (laughter) people you spend all year avoiding, now they're in your house hovering in the kitchen opening drawers. (laughter) >> pitching you ideas. (laughter) for your show. jonathan, i was at the bakery, and the man in front of me said who's next? and i said take a number, you'll find out, that's wha what-- you should use that in one of your skits. (laughter) it's like seinfeld-- (laughter) so it's a little stressful. i like black friday. a lot of people don't like black friday, the day after thanks giving. i don't like it for the shopping. i like to do it because it is a great opportunity to take out the suppressed rage that my relatives help generate inside me. and then unleash that on complete strangers. (laughter) at a best buy, you know what i mean. so they know, i didn't pin
Comedy Central
Nov 27, 2012 11:00pm PST
think that, you know, the last year -- couple of years washington's kind of tested the patience of the rest of -- t -- but we've got 312 million people that i don't think 535 can impede their progress over time. >> jon: now, you guys have been friends for a long time. >> 45 years. >> jon: 45 years. he is -- i don't know, the eighth largest company or the -- >> i think it's seventh, actually. anyway, high. >> jon: and you're a very nice woman who's done very well for yourself. do you resent his success? (laughter) are you a -- when you talk to him, do you say "why don't you distribute the wealth?" >> that's the initial five minutes of every conversation we have. (laughter) i get into this. >> jon: the first question she asks me is "why aren't i in your will?" (laughter). >> jon: well, let me just -- why isn't she in your will? (laughter) >> now i want to hear the answer. (laughter) >> let's change the subject. i will point out in the last ten years i have probably paid taxes-- counting payroll taxes-- at a lower rate than carol has. it's wrong. >> jon: is it because we've got on
Comedy Central
Nov 29, 2012 11:00pm PST
we can just sit back in our garden and enjoy the fruits and flowery aromas of washington in december. welcome back. you know, in the weeks leading up to the recent election america's business leaders offered some dired predictions. >> four more year of obama will mean that we're going to have to tighten our belts even further, layoff more feel. >> these people just want to work in honor and dignity and this president is desaing that. we're going cancel their health care. >> i cannot pay my staff and pay all these taxes. there is only so much blood you can get out of a turnip. (laughter) >> jon: i don't think you can get any blood out of a turnip unless-- oh my god, those weren't turn is, oh. some business owners were explicit that an obama re-election would in their eyes doom their blood turnip businesses. but now that obama has been re-elected how have the john creators amongst us reacted. we turn to our deranged billionaire, john hodgman, john. >> oh, how dare you. >> jon: what. >> how dare you applaud me now after you shiftless moochers rejected everything that is good and right a
Search Results 0 to 36 of about 37 (some duplicates have been removed)